Hey ho Goatlings! Been a busy boy zombfying pics and suchlike. Got my buddy coming round this evening to watch Dinoshark! God I love films that are so bad they're good! Megashark vs giant octopus..I mean fuck! what were they thinking? HAHAHAH...Heres George!!
Went shopping today and for the life of me I couldn't find Beetroot pickle! Man, I loves me that tangy red goodness! Started to re-watch Life on mars..( British version, not the USA abortion!!!)..ahhhhh..Gene Hunt! What a LEGEND! Did a recoring for an intro on Dr Pus' Library of the living dead podcast...bit of a Goatboy rant! Verrry cathartic indeed! Although my wife didn't like it cos she doesn't like hearing me get all angry, even if it IS pretend...hehehe. Really need to do some pics for someone, so, if anyone actually reads this blog..send me your facial pics (oooEEERR!) and I'll dead-ya-up! Laters taters!
Ah..the rousing sound of palm on pork!!! I've often wondered...if i were to stick two carrots into a pigs nostrils..how hard would i have to kick it before they fly out? The Library of the lovind dead podcast finally arrived!! Can I get a 'whoop whoop'?..I wouldn't know what to do with them if I got them! I did a pic of it for Doc..and I am rather chuffed with it!!! right..time to go creat..may be back later..maybe not..be..? Heee
Why do people do it to me? WHY? Is it really too much to ask that everybody get out of my way so that I can go about my nefarious deeds unhindered? It seems not. I went to the nearest shop to me this morning...(takes deep breath)Once again the useless fucking retards at Alldays, now known as co-op or whatever are still the same fucking braindead shelf filling customer-ignoring bunch of inbreeds...ever! New shop..oooh....new layout...what a fucking load of shit THAT is!!!! Not enough room to stretch your arms and FUCKING HELL GOD HELP YOU IF YOU DO!...U WANT TO LOOK AROUND WHEN THE ARSEHOLES ARE FILLING THE SHELVES...THE FUCKING STOCK TAKES UP ALL THE CUNTING ROOM SO ITS LIKE PLAYING THE FUCKING CRYSTAL MAZE TRYING TO WORK OUT A QUICK WAY TO GET TO THE FUCKING MILK WITHOUT HAVING YOUR PATH BLOCKED BY SOME IGNORANT CUNT WHO CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHY THE CRISP BOX DOESNT FIT IN THE FUCKING CHEWING GUM SLOT!!!!!!! BURN THE FUCKING PLACE DOWN AFTER LOCKING EM ALL IN!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE IT AINT A NORMAL SHOP THE STAFF ARE MORE INTERESTED IN GOSSIPING THAN SERVING ANY CUNT FOOLISH ENOUGH TO WANT TO BE OUT OF THE SHOP BEFORE THE FUCKING THING THEY BOUGHT GOES OUT OF CUNTING DATE!!! WHY? WHY IS IT WHENEVER I GOT TO THAT FUCKING HELLHOLE Of A SHOP THERE IS ALWAYS ONE FUCKING STUPID BITCH WHO EITHER DELAYS EVERY CUNT WHEN SHES SERVING, OR, FUCK ME!, STANDS THERE ON HER FUCKING DAY OFF CHATTING TO THE RETARDS BEHIND THE CUNTING TILL AND FUCK ME SIDEWAYS IF THE DAPPY CUNT WASN'T THERE FIRST THING THIS MORNING IN FRONT OF ME AT THE CASH MACHINE!!! EVERYWHERE I LOOK ITS HER STUPID FUCKING FACE LURKING UNDER A FUCKING HAT THAT SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!! Why oh why do they keep that fucking hell-hole of a shop open? Jesus wept! The place is a fucking state! Theres more tobacco products on the floor than on the shelves! The stock is piled hither, thither and fucking yon! And the staff..(Goatboy hyperventilating now!!!) Lets start with the fucking thing who looks like Goofy mated with a fucking slug!!! EVERY phrase uttered from that canyon of yellowed tombstones masquerading as teeth is " please, thankyou!" BEFORE YOU HAVE EVEN BOUGHT THE STUFF!!!! "Can I help you? Please thankyou!" The eyes are like piss holes in the snow, she's a walking talking version of Alice the Goon from Popeye!!! The other thing is all saggy-tit and hanging nipple, more interested in whats going on outside the window than the queue THAT HAS JUST REACHED THE 5000 MARK!!!Don't worry about us, all the other inbreds, you just keep on filling the shelves while every other cunt in the shop waits around for the dopey bitch to shut the fuck up talking to some customer about her second-cousin-twice-removed's troubles with the council on account of the fact that her face makes blind kids cry!!! A while ago there was an octagenerian who would question every fucking thing you bought. " packet of green Rizlas please." "green?" yes" "rizlas?" "yes." " Green rizlas?" "YES!!!" 35 minutes later as she eyeballed EVERY FUCKING ITEM BEHIND THE COUNTER...INCLUDING COFFEE!!! She finds the fucking thinngs..then spouts " You shouldn't smoke you know, it's bad for your health." GUESS WHAT? NOT HALF AS FUCKING BAD ITS GOING TO BE FOR YOUR HEALTH IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME THE FUCKING PAPERS RIGHT NOW YOU WRINKLED UP TEABAG FACED GUMMY SLACK SACK OF SHIT!! OH AND A 'BY THE WAY' WOMEN OF YOUR AGE SHOULD NOT WEAR FUCKING THREADBARE LEGGINS, BECAUSE NOT ONLY CAN WE LIP-READ YOUR WRINKLED OLD TWAT BUT WE HAVE A SUSPICION THAT THAT LONG PIECE OF THREAD HANGING BETWEEN YOUR LEGS MAY NOT BE THREAD AT ALL BUT ONE OF YOUR SPARSE OLD PUBES MAKING A FRANTINC BID FOR FREEDOM! TRIM THE FUCKING THING!...thats why I only go there when there's no other option......sigh..I'm not done.
Oh dear Lord does it ever end at Hampden park co-op ( formerly all-days..because thats how fucking long it took the slugs to serve ya!!!) Once again I walked into the shop and took my place in the queue..you remember? AT THE BACK BY THE FUCKING FRIDGES!!! And after the customary game played in the queue at Co-Op..mainly watching every perishable in sight GO OUT OF FUCKING DATE I finally arrived at the front. The was, as per usual one person at the counter because we ALL know that the other staff have far more important things to do than serving the fucking customers, such as arranging the fridges so that once can find what one wants WHERE ONE LEAST EXPECTS TO FIND IT.."Excuse me, where are the icecreams? " " Next to the scotch eggs between the yogurt and chicken pieces." Now, the cross-eyes div AKA alice the goon AKA donut lil formerly known as " OI! DIV!" was serving some woman and banging on about the usual incosequential bollocks and, after serving her,AND STILL TALKING TO HER, proceeds to give her change to a bloke in the next queue. THE NEXT FUCKING QUEUE! DIFFERENT PERSON! TO THE ONE SHE IS TALKING TO! AND ALSO SERVING! HOW DO THESE PEOPLE MANAGE TO GET THROUGH THE DAY? I mean fuck me, she has everything against her! She has the misfortune of being very ugly. I mean she had a job at the bakers where they used to push her fucking face into the dough to make gorrila biscuits!!! She'd earm a mint working for the chemist. Just stand out the front making every other cunt sick! Some days i pray that she will do like the irish cat and have a shit and bury herself, I would be as happy as a cock in a cunt shop ( which some of you may say it already is!) Another little annoyance is the fact that why is it that the cafes in H/Park seem to have a prerequisite number of dins who congregate and hog all the tables for at least 7 hours a day! Every day! One cup of tea between them, sitting there dressed badly practicing social skills on other demented fucks to whom beauty is only a light switch away!!! I mean some of em are ugly enough to make a fucking onion cry!!!Otheres are SO fucking boring you fall asleep halfway through their name! There's one little goblin of a woman who is tiny!! I mean she is so fucking short when it rains she is the last to know and you can tell the brain waves are falling a little short of the beach and the rest of em, well...as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker! Maybe i should stay home for a bit!
So I decide to go to the charity shop..maye browse and buy a book...(deep breath..purple face)WHY HAS THE HAMPDEN PARK CHARITY SHOP CHANGED TO A POUND AN ITEM SHOP? I GO IN THERE FOR BOOKS!!! I HAVE TO BUY 2 FOR A £1. MOST OF THE SHIT IN THERE AINT WORTH TEN BOB (50P) AND YET THEY HIKE THE PRICES UP? IS IT COS THE FUCKING RETARDS THERE CANNOT DO SUBTRACTION? CHANGE? OH NO WE CANT FIGURE THAT OUT? THEN THERE IS THE ONE WHO THINKS SHES THE FUCKING HOSTESS OF A DINNER PARTY...NO SOONER DO YOU WALK IN ITS " GOOD MORNING SIR CAN I HELP YOU AT ALL?" SURELY THATS JUST MANNERS GOATBOY? NO! NOT WHEN ITS SHOUTED OUT LIKE A CLARION CALL!!! IF I WANT HELP YOU'LL KNOW IT BECAUSE I WILL START THE CONVERSATION WITH "I WANT HELP!!!!" THEN THEY PUT SOME OLD DEAR IN A WHEELCHAIR IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING BOOKS...COUNTING THE PIECES OF A FUCKING JIGSAW PUZZLE!!!!! MOVE THE SMELLY PISS STAINED OLD COFFIN-DODGER OUTTA MY WAY!!! OH AND THEY SHOULD INVEST IN DEODORANT AND NOT EMPLOY STAFF WHO MOUTH WHAT YOU ARE SAYING BACK TO YOU A MILLISECOND AFTER YOU HAVE SAID IT!!!:D
Aaaahhhh..it's podcast time again and those dulcet tones that you hear are none other than Goatboy. And contrary to requests I have submitted several songs to Doc Pus for the Library of the living dead podcasts! Oh yes..there are more to come..and yes...there will be blood (albeit coming from your ears no doubt heh heh heh) Other songs you can expect to hear over the coming months will be Dedicated dispatcher of zombies, I wanna go zombeee-ee-ee, The very model of a man who hates the living dead, Two headed zombie,She's decayed shes rotten and shes mine. I'm considering gathering up all my pictures and songs into a Goatboy compendium and going out into the world healing the sick with it. Honestly, who wouldn't want to hear the gently liltings of Goaty as they lay in their sick bed? 'Take up thy bed and boogie!" Although I would probably be chucked out of the hospital wards... "Goatboy!! Stop rubbing her lesions!!!" Hehehehe..." Goatboy..take that out of her mouth this instant!! That is NOT a thermometer!!!"..ahhh funtimes, Goatboy could make his own laughing gas when he does a tummy-shame! Right..I've got to go and intimidate some badgers...tatty-bye............
Mon:"...I have been asked to judge the 234th Annual Udder-Grope Competition in the paddock this week. There really is no better sight on a clear, crisp summers morn, than the eager young hands of the local maidens squidging and massaging the swollen udders of the local cows.Hmmmm...I wonder...."
Wed:"...What an over-reaction by the locals!!! Although on certain occasions it is fine to be chased through the village by a pitch-fork bearing mob today was an exception. I arrived at the Udder-Grope Competition as was requested, and, well...I'm afraid it all got a little too much for me, so I slipped out the back (OOOERRR!)to smoke a roll-up. Looking for my matches I rummaged through my rucksack and Lo! and behold! I had inadvertantly packed my pantomime cow costume. Now the weather was quite chilly so I though " What providence! I shall do he cow costume and therefore keep my nipples from turning into peanuts!" So I put the costume on. Lovely and snug it was too. So after my smoke I decided to make my way back to the competition. Thats when it all started to go tits-up! I was walking back when I saw a penny on the floor, so I bent down to pick it up and TWANG! my back went out! Bloody typical really. But, I had a duty to perform, so, on all fours i made my way forwards. It was at that point that the underside of my costume snagged on twig and tore a hole through the fake udder! Oh damn and blast! But, stoically I carried on towards the maidens. Thats when my own undercarriage dropped out! Oh for shame! There I was, on all fours, dressed in a cows costume, with my distended Goat-nuts swinging through a rip in the costume, making my way towards the Udder-Grope competition! Before I knew it several young maidens, buxom wenches every one, were groping and rubbing what they believed to be a cows udder! Alas...there could be only one outcome here..( and that phrase is terribly apt!), wel, it seems they were all squirted in copious amounts Goat-gravy!! And like a 36cent whore, it didn't go down too well. Before I knew it, pitchforks everywhere! Honestly...you try to help some people!!"
GREETINGS MY GOATBLOGGLINGS!(bellowed in the voice of Brian Blessed!!!)
Things that I pondered when I first woke up today
1)Why wont they let me sleep. 2)I'm sure the trees have moved 3)If you punch a sheep in the stomach hard enough do you think it will fart? 4)I'm really glad i got the oppertunity last year to slap the belly of the first pig I ever came into contact with. 5)Why is the coffee gone? 6)Are Cheerios donut seeds? 7)Belly-buttons are the blind-eyes to the soul 8)Spacehoppers make great weapons.
Right...now I have got my random thoughts out of the way, it's time to go tickle the muskrat!!!! Back sooooon
Where did the week go? After much 'fiddling about' (heh heh) I think I've got this blog page wossname sorted! Pass me my orange velvet suit with the wide collars and flares, floppy hat, feather boa and cane because I have been pimping, yes, PIMPING people!!! Blogs everywhere I look..such a sweet site..(hehehehe geddit? Don't wannit? ahh fuggeddit!)Been a busy boy art-wise, the strange thing is after staring at someones face while you reinvent them makes you think you know them...weird huh? Or creepy..heheh..sleep on this..Goatboy knows your face...hehehe. Small note of concern..the shed is giving me a funny look! What brings this day then? Wel i am waiting in fevered anticipation for the next LOTLD podcast..wondering if there will be Skype tonight...planning on getting some foamin' ale. I did a pic for Letters from the dead and some people think or have mentioned that they love the 'cover'. I don't think it is the cover you knw, ( as much as it would , like so kewl, ya know) I am sure it lies in the festering hands of Mr Dan Galli.:D But thank you all so much for the votes of confidence. Goatluv!
Once again, the the wee hours of the night, Goatboy set to 'corpsing up' those he felt needed an undead makeover. I will be posting a few more of these as time goes by..I have to wait for the folks to rot down a bit..mmm..sticky...
Defying all logic and reason, the dead returned from death. All over the world, dead human bodies rose and walked the Earth in search of living human flesh to consume. Despite the valiant efforts of the living’s vast armies and superior weapons, the dead won the Zombie War.
Defeated, the surviving governments of the world fled to the safety of their underground bases, leaving the last living survivors to their fate. All alone, trapped, for them there was no last second rescue, no escape. The Dead surrounded them, pounding on their barricaded doors, smashing in their boarded windows. It was their last chance to say goodbye, their last chance to shout out in defiance. It was time to write their final words.
For decades, the dead ruled the Earth unchallenged, but their reign was finite. In time, they returned to the dust from which they came.
When the living survivors emerged from their underground shelters, they would discover hundreds of thousands of tattered decaying messages, the letters left behind by the last to perish in the Zombie Apocalypse.
Hello my little blogglings, so nice of you all to join me. I am Goatboy. I see the world in a different way than most people and I dare say that this will become apparent very soon. On this blog I shall free my mind and soul, spewing forth random facts, images and songs. I will extoll the virues of those I admire and peel the scabs of shame from those who I deserve a bit of what I like to call..'wrong attention'. I have no idea how often I will post on this blog as my other dutys include but are not limited to wreaking havoc on The Library of the living dead forum, hosted most genialy by the great Doc Pus..an inspiration with a cheeky little giggle. Drawing pictures for anyone who cares for them, writing songs for and about the same...sometimes even writting stories! I like shouting at dolphins and pushing squirrels out of trees with long sticks. I like to make faces at people on the bus and going weewee in the wind. I have an unhealthy interest in piglets and am starting my own pig-nipple collection. Well that's enough for now, as the maiden said to the greedy vicar..do stop by..I'll leave the door open for you.....