Saturday, 20 March 2010
Extracts from Goatboys diaries
Mon:"...I have been asked to judge the 234th Annual Udder-Grope Competition in the paddock this week. There really is no better sight on a clear, crisp summers morn, than the eager young hands of the local maidens squidging and massaging the swollen udders of the local cows.Hmmmm...I wonder...."
Wed:"...What an over-reaction by the locals!!! Although on certain occasions it is fine to be chased through the village by a pitch-fork bearing mob today was an exception. I arrived at the Udder-Grope Competition as was requested, and, well...I'm afraid it all got a little too much for me, so I slipped out the back (OOOERRR!)to smoke a roll-up. Looking for my matches I rummaged through my rucksack and Lo! and behold! I had inadvertantly packed my pantomime cow costume. Now the weather was quite chilly so I though " What providence! I shall do he cow costume and therefore keep my nipples from turning into peanuts!" So I put the costume on. Lovely and snug it was too. So after my smoke I decided to make my way back to the competition. Thats when it all started to go tits-up! I was walking back when I saw a penny on the floor, so I bent down to pick it up and TWANG! my back went out! Bloody typical really. But, I had a duty to perform, so, on all fours i made my way forwards. It was at that point that the underside of my costume snagged on twig and tore a hole through the fake udder! Oh damn and blast! But, stoically I carried on towards the maidens. Thats when my own undercarriage dropped out! Oh for shame! There I was, on all fours, dressed in a cows costume, with my distended Goat-nuts swinging through a rip in the costume, making my way towards the Udder-Grope competition! Before I knew it several young maidens, buxom wenches every one, were groping and rubbing what they believed to be a cows udder! Alas...there could be only one outcome here..( and that phrase is terribly apt!), wel, it seems they were all squirted in copious amounts Goat-gravy!! And like a 36cent whore, it didn't go down too well. Before I knew it, pitchforks everywhere! Honestly...you try to help some people!!"